Decisions Made Up

Last Wednesday, I received a call from my previous clinic manager asking me to apply back to her clinic for office hour job as she had vacancy. I was elated and felt good that she had remembered me as well as treasured me enough to have asked me back to join her team.
Office hours was what I had always hoped for since being put to shift duty hours due to my Advanced Diploma studies. I ended the call telling her that I would consider and put up my application for transfer when I had come back to work this week.

During the rest of last week, I spent my time pondering over this offer as well as asking around on why would
I be asked to come back. I was told that the clinic manager had promoted her 'pet' to a Nursing Clinician role and thus, she is now lacking of a nurse who can run the clinic efficiently.
Hmm, that makes more sense to me. She promoted her 'pet', thus she need someone who would know clinic operations, chemotherapy drug regimes at finger tips, inpatient ward functions and lastly, a good phlebotomist to ensure bloods are taken efficiently. So who else best to call than to look for me? *Proud of myself* Sounds good to me!
Ok, so now back to thinking of my ward relations and job doing shift hours... My current ward manager does treat me quite well, although she claims that she ain't holding back my promotion to SSN. She was also quite compassionate and accommodative to me when my grandma was taken ill last year as well as when I had personal issues to settle. She also have given me my due respect and doesn't treat me badly. She has also been very supportive of my degree studies and has given me much allowances to take leave for my study purpose. If I do leave and be poached by my ex-manager, it sounds like a 'betrayal' to me. It is like being ungrateful to my current manager for treating me so well.
Moreover, if do go back to clinic office hours, I would have to forego up to nearly $400 worth of shift-allowances monthly.
Plus, I would miss some of my colleagues whom I work well with and go back to the clinic where politics is bountiful, which I dislike. I totally hate playing politics!

Today, I went to my clinic and had a good talk with my ex-manager. I told her that I had degree studies to concentrate on this year and immediately I was told that she ain't supportive of my studies as she can't accommodate to allowing me to leave work punctually for my classes or to allow me to take leave adhoc for my studies/exams if I need to. I was also given the impression that the level of politics currently is even higher than that when I left the clinic nearly 3 years ago.

Hence, my decision has been concluded. I am staying in my ward with shift work hours until I get my degree before making my next step. Or at least I would see what my ward manager offers me when my bond ends in June before making my next move to consider leaving KK or continue until my degree course ends and I am guaranteed a degree certification.

Clear cut. No more dilemma. Settled.

49th Day After Her Death

The Chinese believes that one's spirit would be gone from the human dimension 49 days after his/her death. This Friday, 27 Jan 2012, marks the 49th day after my grandmother's death. It would believed that her spirit would 'realize' that she is dead and no longer part of the human world, thus, she would ascend to the spiritual world to continue her journey from there on...
To mark that day, I would wish to dedicate this lyrics to my grandmother and wish her happiness in her final spiritual world:

"In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there"

Dearest granny, I have mourned your death for these 49 days and you will always be dearly missed by me... I hope that if there is such thing called reincarnation, I would like to share some form of fate to be related with you again: be it your grand-daughter, daughter or even your mother...
I pray you found peace and joy this lifetime knowing that I have loved you and cherished you for being my grandmother... Thank you for sharing your life with me and being there for me when the rest of world did despised me and condemned me thinking I wouldn't make it 'big' when I was younger. I hope I had made you proud that I became someone 'useful' to the society and even cared for you in your last few months of your life...
阿嬷, 一路走好, 下辈子再见。

Happy LNY Everyone

Wouldn't be celebrating it this year as a form of respect to my belated grandmother.
Even as my family is holding a family party on the 2nd day, I have decided to boycott it. Don't see the point of enjoying myself but yet deep down I am still grieving over the death of my beloved granny...
Anyway... HAPPY LUNAR YEAR to those celebrating it!

Low Self Esteem Kicks In

As school progresses, lecturers starts stressing on how strict they are with their marking of assignments and how high their expectations are, the fear of failing starts kicking in. When I am told that I would no longer be using APA-format for referencing style and told to read up on Harvard-referencing style, my heart starts pounding and anxiety kicks in. When lecturers say that our assignment would be put through this website called 'Turnitin' to check for evidence of plagiarism, I start to panic.
Then as I mingle around and start to find out that the lecturers indeed are very strict about the assignment marking criteria, I start to feel my self-esteem sink low...

It is same feeling I had when I had started studying years back for my Advanced Diploma, only now the feeling is worst. It sinks into my mind and acts like a devil constantly telling me that I would fail and won't be able to successfully get my degree. To make matters worst, my self-conscience is telling me that if I do fail this semester, I am to quit as I am not to waste anymore money on something that clearly shows that I am incapable of achieving...

Financially, I am tight. If I were to fail a module or a semester, it would be out of my budget to repeat it as I have to think about finances for my future house, which is supposedly due mid 2013 but now it would be estimated ready by end 2012 instead.

So if I think logically now, I do want my own roof over my head to shelter me from any more weird nonsense from my in laws side to tolerate. Moreover, it seems my brother in law has started dating again, this time she seems like a Malaysian, haven't got to meet her face to face but I have heard her voice around the house when he brought her back a few times. The latest is when she came over on last Sunday and started asking my mum in law about applying for flat in Singapore and having a discussion on how hard it is to get a flat. Here we go again... The cycle starts again... This time, I don't want to be embroiled in it. Time for my husband and me to move away from this complicate and dramatic life.

Recently, I have also considered leaving my current company as most of the capable staff/colleagues are planning to resign, leaving incompetent ones to continue working. I am not going to stay if I have to work with a bunch of incompetent imbeciles and poor management who refuses to grant me my office hours position back and keep giving me excuses to hold back my long-due promotion.

With so much on my mind, no wonder I am hyper-stress and starting to suffer from insomnia again... If only my husband knows how I really do feel about all these. But then again, no one would fully understand how and what I feel, 'cause they ain't me... He can only empathize a bit of what I am going through and encourage me to persevere on with my degree dreams as well as changing of job but I can't tell him how much I have to tolerate within his family or tell him about his brother and the potential trouble that i anticipate brewing again. After-all, blood is always thicker than water...

Guess, if all works out well for me, I would be really blessed! 2012, kindly be merciful on me and faster end for 2013 to come instead...

Back 2 School

Heading for orientation tomorrow. Back to school after a break of 1.5years, after graduating from my Advanced Diploma...
Back then, told myself that I wouldn't go back to studying ever again. But look what happened now, I am back to school again and this time it is part-time studies. This means juggling work, studies and family life all at once! Oh boy, God bless my 2012 journey, once I am done with my degree, I am REALLY done for good with studying!

Happy 2012

New Year, New Goals:
1) Pass my degree course smoothly
2) Get my well-deserved promotion, otherwise I am leaving KKH

New Year, Same Goals:
1) Happier marriage
2) Better health
3) Still hoping for my miracle