1 Mth More

Today marks that I have been tolerating and suffered being in this marriage for nearly 2years. Guess he has forgotten all about it. Being married to him for 1yr and 11mths now and been 1yr plus since he changed into someone whom I fail to recognize, someone whom I can't seem to adapt to. He blames the changes on me and now I have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life or until one day, I can bear it no more and allow this marriage to fail. Many people around me have scolded me and said I am being foolish hanging on but I still love him very much, so much that I can't bear to let him go.
It is very painful to be in this marriage at times, but I do see the light shining into the darkness once in a while (although it doesn't last long). I long for the light to be permernant but guess it may be quite impossible. Frankly, I know it may be silly of me to be loving a husband like him, however, my heart still longs for him.

Today is also supposed to a 1mth countdown before I have my customary marriage as planned years ago. But it has been postponed to 10 May 2009. Now it has been postponed indefinetely... I am learning to be contented to be his wife legally and not customarily. I am still learning to convince myself that there will never be the day I wear a bridal gown to walk down the aisle with this man I love.

This is the power of love, knowing that you are suffering but still bear with it because you know deep down inside your heart, you love and want to be with him for the rest of your life.

I think I would really want to leave town and spend 10 May 2008 somewhere else... I don't wish to be reminded that on 10 May 2008 I am supposed to be wearing the blissful wedding gown, walking hands in hands, stealing occasional glances at the man I love and walking down the aisle with all my close friends and relatives giving me their claps of well-wishes.