He made me realized a few things:
1) my current life wouldn't change a bit now even if I had your answers to my question? So what if the answer was that indeed there was a 3rd party in our marriage? Does it matter to me now that our cracks started from the day that I confessed to you about my mistake of almost choosing someone else instead of you?
2) Even if you did apologize for the divorce that was the ending of our marriage, does it matter to the ending? We still would have head for the divorce anyway, we still would gone our own ways, we still would moved on with our lives without one another existing. Our 缘分 would have ended.
3) I mentioned that you wasted 12 years of my life and my efforts to make the relationship and marriage work. You also did spent the same amount of time with me. So indirectly, you also wasted 12 years of your life with me. That is 扯平.
4) I am being unfair and selfish towards to my current husband, who all 旁观者 can see that loves me a lot, with my constant 放不下 of you. I am depriving him back of the love he deserves due to my own holding back of giving him my all. I should love me as much as I did love you. Since I married him, I should let all my worries of history repeating itself go, I allow myself to love him as much as I did with you. The words used on me is '生在福中，不知福'. Those words were never said to me when I was married to you. Rather the words and questions asked to me while I was with you were why did I chose to hold on to you when the world could see that I was miserable being your wife and that I wasn't happily married to you.
5) My current life is better and happier without you to hold me down, without restrictions that you had for me, without the expectations that you wanted of me as a wife repenting for my erroneous decision of briefly two-timing you when you were my bf. My current life is also more at peace and ease without the fear of you leaving, as you already did. I am more confident with myself and no longer the same person you know me to be. Hence, I shouldn't blame you anymore for our divorce.
With the above all said, you will always remain part of my memories but I no longer hold it against you for our divorce. I no longer need your apology. I am reminding myself to give my husband back his fairness of my full love without anything holding me back.
Goodbye Jeff (unless you decided to change your English name again). Hope our fate will end here and this life. I don't wish to 亏欠 nor need you to 还我 anything if we have the next life.
