Slowly Backsliding

It is quite hard to believe a certain religion that I once held so dear to me, so convinced about its teaching, has made me feel disencouraged and doubtful now.
The events that I have witnessed and gone through personally for past 7-9 months has made me mentally and emotionally challenged my spiritual belief, whilst at the same time reflecting on my past experiences comparing with other believers of the same faith. Perhaps I was never meant for this religion, or just maybe I shouldn't have ever had high hopes and expectations that this religion would bring me good experiences just by being good as a human.
Maybe this God doesn't exist for me.
Maybe this route to follow His words and path isn't meant for me to walk.
Maybe He has taken this Guardian Angel of mine away due to some reason.
Maybe I should walk away from believing that He is for me and will help me.
Maybe I should free my mind and open my heart to other religions as I had once did as a child way into my early teens.
Since He can't serve justice and punishments fairly, then perhaps He is just biased. (Idk)

It is just sad that things had to come to this. It is just sad that I have to desperately seek refuge elsewhere and start understanding another religion, in bid to feel more secure from all the crap that He has put me through, only to protect and 'forgive' His own childrens' daily and weekly sins.

He is slowly losing me week by week, month by month, letting me hear and witness how His children gets away pretty much scot-free with their spreading of false accusations, blasphemy, rumours and abuse of power. Soon, He may lose me forever...

Religion: Good and Black Sheeps

These few years and especially months, I have had my eyes opened to bad behaving Christians that I am starting to doubt Jesus and the Almighty God Father. It seems the law of Karma has been blinded yet again. I have regained my insecurities and sadly, slipped away from what I once perceived as my peaceful, fair and justified God.

Yet through these few months and especially weeks, I have had my eyes and attention diverted to another religion, which I had once dislike and felt disgusted before due to few black sheeps. Instead, now I don't view it as satanic nor evil. I have even started to entered the world of it, trying to understand it furthur.

I have begun to view religion having its good and bad side. It doesn't take one to self-declare their religion as being a true worshipper or believer of that particular religion, but rather, it is their actions that speaks for the religion. One can proclaimed that he/she is a Christian, yet goes around spreading false rumours, backstabbing people, misusing their status and societal power to manipulate situations to their own benefits and in the meantime, creating hurtful events to others. One can say that he/she has embraced Thai Buddhism, yet create lies, betrayal, deceit as well as false promises, only to finally shatter dreams of others. One can pray to whatever God and Heavenly Deities but their daily actions doesn't reflect the goodness of their religious teachings or guiding principles. Although I agree that we are all humans, not made to be perfect and have negative emotions, but the fact that these people knowingly make use of others' weaknesses, or to use their own power in the society, or to use their monetary abilities to manipulate situations to favour themselves, while putting others in a bad light or jeopardising others' careers.

At these moment in time, I am really sitting on the fence, asking myself if I am being a devoted Christian or revert to being a free-thinker since Jesus, God or Heavenly Father hasn't brought me much smoothness in life and serve the karma to deserving individuals who claims to be Children of God. In fact, these Children of God continues to be blessed despite their ill-behaviour and intentions...

May the right religion show me the way now.