Why is it that everything he does of late, irritates and annoys me?
That was a question which I failed to ask myself years ago? In fact, it was a recent question that I asked myself when I find myself laughing over my husband's mistakes or careless doings.
The answer to the above question is as straight-forward and blunt as because you no longer love him anymore, hence everything and anything he does annoys or makes you unable to see eye to eye with. It is true. I was constantly unhappy with my ex-husband's doing, even when he falls asleep, I was annoyed with the fact that he falls asleep so easily. I was so irritated with the mere fact that he goes out with friends, yet when he is in my presence, I felt was an 'extra' person whom I am supposed to tolerate, love, change, mould and pretend that I am happy with him.
When love has faded, you would find faults in practically everything he has does, says or behaves. I believe the same went for him. Perhaps, the mere existence of me in front of him also disgusted and repulsed him so much. No wonder his last sentence to me strike a chord in me: let's not pretend to love anymore 'cause I don't love you anymore.
Come to think of it, his words were indeed hurting to hear but it were words to release my penned up frustrations. They were words that indicated that it was my chance to leave my pathetic act of letting the world believe that the marriage was working. They were words to announce that I could walk away from that failing marriage and start my life anew. I need not repent any longer for two-timing him while he was serving his army training in Taiwan. I do not need to carry on tolerating his ego, verbal and psychological issues abuse. Those last words were said for me regain freedom.
The next 6 months of divorce proceedings (I do not deny) were although painful but yet, I enjoyed my freedom to meet new guys, travel without much cares and lastly, to regain confidence to step into a new relationship with the man I eventually married last year. The whole marriage and divorce made me realize many truths:
1) Love has to be the foundation of a marriage. Without it, there would not be trust, patience and tolerance.
2) A marriage needs two individuals to work to refuel the love gauge and keep the marriage alive.
3) Having kids doesn't equate to a stable marriage.
4) You don't need kids to tie a person down. If he/she is determined to leave, he/she would do so eventually even if he/she kids or no kids to consider.
5) Always make it a point to choose your spouse over anyone else. That is/was your marriage vow, to forsake all others for your spouse.
6) Never allow love to die. Once love is dead, it is time to move on and attempts to revive it would be harder than expected.
7) If you happen to fall in love someone else, just leave and go with that someone else, 'cause love isn't present anymore with the latter.
I believe as past and as I grow older and wiser, I would have more realization of why my previous marriage was doomed for failure from the start. In the meantime, I should relax and enjoy my current marriage, continue to fuel it with love, hand in hand with my husband.
PS: I would still blog on and off. Less post means I have less troubles, events, or stress to release and to share. :)
