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A Decade Later

Rewinding back to 2012, when I was back at my parents' place near to tears, yet I had to put a strong front to explain to them why my ex-husband and I called off 12 years of relationship, including 6 years of marriage. I had to finally let go of whatever emotional abuse that I was put through while being someone who didn't know how value me and remain humane towards  my feelings. Basically, love was not present anymore, hence, everything else isn't no longer important. That moment of moving back to my parents' was the start of my recovery to find myself back, to regain my own self-confidence, to be strong for myself once again. It was the moment I swore off being a submissive woman and never to fall deeply in love again, including never to get married again.

In 2022, 10 years later, lots have changed:

1) I am a patient with autoimmune condition.

2) I am now a degree graduate, something that I was once told that I will never be one. 

3) I have hustled through work politics and survived, something that I was once told that I would never be able to deal with maturely.

4) I have met someone better and remarried. 

5) I am no longer a Christian. This God isn't for me.

6) I am a homeowner of my own roof over my head. 

Yes, do memories of my ex-husband still does pop up in mind but they no longer hurt me as much as before. At least, I can tell my story without holding back tears. He is my past, something that I can't change. He was a mistake that I made that I can't undo. Probably these are his mutual thoughts and he dittos what I feel about us. Do I care what he thinks or feel now about our past? Nope. Do I bother about his apology? Nope. Nothing he says or do will amend the past. Nothing will change what has happened.

At times, I believe that whatever has happened are all pre-destined. I am to marry a guy, who is an Aries and born in the year of a Goat, but that guy isn't my ex-husband but my current one. I started my road to divorce on the same date of my current husband's birthday. All just falls into coincidence or fate as one may say. Either way, I am happy now and I believe so is my ex-husband.

May his and mine path never ever cross again. Don't wish to remember the hurt he caused, neither do I want to ever see him ever! 

Just Some Lyrics

You want the end to be easier than the start

I was a hopeful heart that you shattered apart

You want to say goodbye and disappear

Don't want to watch when I break down into tears

I won't try to make you stay

I won't even try to change your mind

Take a good look at the pain in my face before you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes and what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted but my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never getting over you

I won't pretend that I won't find someone else

You'll be a closed book sitting there on the shelf

I'll never have to open it again

To know the pages of the words of what could have been

Start of Lady of Leisure

This past week, I have started my life as Lady of Leisure aka Tai-Tai aka Homemaker. It was a good time to take a break from it all, especially with all the politics as well as favouritism at work: too messy for my liking.

Listening to songs and stumbled on this song with cool lyrics;

"Take a good look at the pain in my face 'fore you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted

Though my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never gettin' over you

We'll move on and you'll find somebody new

With everything I could never be for you,"

Yes, maybe I will never really get over the hurt that I experienced from my failed previous marriage. Maybe I will never really get over all the pain that I once experienced with the shattered dream of happily ever after with my ex-husband. However, there is/are always reason/s why he is my ex-husband and I am still glad we left the marriage. 

Definitely in a happier place now, married to a good man (even people and mutual friends who knows us, says so). Love is not what he says, it is more of what he do, his actions speaks volume of his love and appreciation for me. I need not thread on thin ice in fear of any arguments or quarrel that may break us apart. I do not need his approval to do the things I enjoy. Even as I decide to take a break and live off him for awhile was met with his full support. No, don't mistaken me, he ain't rich or earning big bucks, yet he is willing to work harder just to make sure I am able to take my mind off working life for awhile, before embarking on a new place of work. Of course, I am not exactly living off him, I using my savings to chill out and relax. 😊

Till then, peace out and back to enjoying my serenity... 

End of 2021, Welcome 2022

As 2021 comes to an end and we start to welcome 2022, here are the things I am grateful for...

1) Husband - his love shown through daily actions, big or small. His initiative to put my needs above his, at times sacrificing his business to ensure my requests are met. His easy-going nature to give in to my frustrations, especially when my flares occurs to get me down or when work-related stress manifest into our after office hours life. Plus, his acts of support, unsaid means of reassuring me that no matter what decision I make, what I do (of course in the right and reasonable path of life) he is there behind me to comfort me should anything goes haywire. 

2) My 师傅s - through their blessings, prayers, amulets and lucky charms, I made it through another year quite smoothly. Of course hiccups were bound to have occurred, but I believe without their wisdoms and blessings, things could have been worse. Appreciate their willingness to attend to the requests of all devotees and those who have faith, trust and belief in them. Nothing is too big or too small for them to handle.

3) My immediate work supervisors/managers - their decision to promote me and never did discredit my ability to get work despite my invisible illness. They granted my leave for medical follow-ups and respected my MCs when I was truly down.

4) My buddy - although we didn't managed to meet up properly for the past 2 years due to the covid situation as well as our own commitments, her friendship and promptness to reply to messages or missed calls were unwavering. Her surprise gifts throughout the year, despite her busy schedules and 'checks' that I am still 'very much alive', in her words, makes me feel very blessed to have her as my buddy & close friend.

5) Other close friends - those who stood by me through the year, listening to my rants and offering me sound advices to make decision or to just basically allow me to get things off my chest for the sake of letting go of my irritations or 无奈.

6) 小人s- yes, I thank you for making me stronger, for making me see you in a new light and for your luck. For every one time that you have decided to backstab or gossip about me, the same one time your luck is taken away and accumulated to my merits for my benefits. I am sure I have benefited one way or another through your lost of luck.

I have no new resolutions for 2022, only wishes for it be smooth, mostly filled with joys and blessings, as well as better luck in all aspects of my life. I also wish the same for all my blog readers and those whose lives matters to me.

好的来，坏的去，有求必应，sadhu sadhu sadhu! 

Guess I am That Easily Forgetable

Maybe our memories meant nothing. 

Maybe whatever we went through nothing. 

Maybe there wasn't never 'we', 'us', 'our' in your mind. 

Maybe it was just Me, Myself and My Naive World. 

Flare In Progress