One Week From That Fateful Day

Life is so different when suddenly my handphone is so quiet for the whole day, no caring sms-es, no phone calls to ask where to meet for dinner and no one to care about how my day at work went.

Guess for the past 8 years, I have been so used to all these simple care and concerns until now when everything is gone, I feel so eliminated, lonely, helpless and uncared for.

For the past week, the daily comfort I get are from my patients whom managed to cheer me up with their positive comments about life, their praises on how good I have been a nurse to them, how they missed my joyful character while they are at home recovering post-chemotherapy and how they have seem to be better after each chemotherapy.

My parents, especially my mother, has been quite concern over the situation of my marriage and has been asking me for daily updates, which has nothing pleasant to talk about.

Life is currently is like heading for a downturn for me. Reading my Christianity books to seek 'refuge' in God's words and helping me to feel less upset...

Praying daily for the best for my marriage and for my life. Praying for a happier time for myself soon. Hate to be in this depressive state but I can't help it when I am suddenly left to wonder what my marriage holds. Few times this week, even while I am wearing my uniform, tears just wells up in my eyes, attempting to flow down my cheeks and I have to consciously pretend to be yawning to wipe them away. Deep down, my heart is wrenching with sadness and remorse but yet I have to pretend that I am ok with this emptiness. Can't afford to let anyone see me in such an upset state. I am such a disgrace to myself...

Alone...

He has finally let me know when my judgement day would be: 4th October 2008. He has not called or sms-ed me today. My handphone is also oddly very quiet. Feel so quiet today, doubt he will ever call me for the next few weeks. Looks like this time I had really hurt his ego and pride real bad with those slaps. Seems like he is ready to condemn me.

Anyway, consulted a superior's son who happens to be a lawyer and he said that if their is no legal issue for a divorce, the couple has to separated for at least 3yrs before divorce is finalized. However, if one party has a legal issue to divorce and has evidence for his/her allegation, the divorce is quite immediate, probably in few months time. He had also told me if my husband is the one who wants to divorce, he should be the one finding the lawyer and paying for all legal fees. I should not be paying a single cent as I am not the one who initiates divorce. Thus, it only needs one lawyer to settle the divorce and I need not find my own lawyer.

It sounds like I am more or less prepared to face a divorce from him, especially after the conversation we had last night which ended quite bitterly. Haiz, what to do? I had physically hit him, which I regret doing and is willing to try to change or at least control my aggressiveness. True, he had also verbally abused me but the most people I had related the story to supported that physical abuse is much worse than verbal abuse.

It seems like I am destined to be a total failure in the aspect of my love life. Perhaps, I am not fated to be married. Maybe, I am fated to be single and lonely for the rest of my life. So sad...

Wish that God could take me away from all this misery soon. It is painful to be like this daily, tearing automatically whenever I think of him and feeling this sense of lost as well as emptiness inside me. Feel so vulnerable right now...

I So Hate Myself & September

Already blogged on how I hated September and now one more list to be added on why I am so going hate this year's September. Yes, had a major argument with my husband and we are kiv going to opt for a divorce.

It is my fault too... Don't wish to blog furthur about what a major disaster error I had committed but definitely not adultery... Just too upset and mad at myself to speak or mention it for now... (read the previous post to get a rough idea.)

I so hate September 2008. In fact, I am starting to hate 2008. Every month has not been a happy month for me. Every month this year has/had something bad happened. Haiz...

Now I am left dangling aimless, uncertain of what my future holds for my marriage. I feel like a criminal awaiting the sentence of the judge after I had pleaded guilty for the crime that I had committed. That feeling total sucks big time!

Guess I ain't that heartless as I thought afterall. Guess I still do have some feelings for him afterall. Guess I am still this woman in love with him afterall. No wonder someone once said to me that 'love can make you and it can also break you'... Yes, I am not too shy to admit, I have been broken and shatter into piece just by love itself. I am a victim to the cruelty of love.

Divorce On The Way

Had a major arguement with my husband (or perhaps, ex-husband to be) and even fought it out with him. All thanks to his verbal abuse and insults to my self esteem that contributed to him getting few slaps across his face from me. If I had not counted wrongly, it would be around 5-7 slaps.
Tonight, we will be talking it out with my parents to see the fate of my marriage.
Actually was thinking that if we really do divorce. It could also be a kind of blessing for me:
- I can go back to my own singlehood life
- I regain my freedom to do whatever I want and like
- I can go back to my cigarettes
- I can go clubbing and drinking of cocktails with my friends
- I need not tolerate his sister in law from China
- I can shake off my responsibility as a wife to wash, iron his clothes as well as try my best to accomodate to his dinner 'menu'.
- I need not worry if I would offend him anymore
- All my worries about the marriage ending one day would be over...

In fact, at this moment in time, I am kind of looking forward to his decision to divorce and hopefully, my parents would be on my side. Life would be much better I guess. But who knows, perhaps when that decision is made, tears may roll down my face again in the silence of the night when I am alone in my own room or whenever I see happy, romantic couples.

In the meantime, let nature takes it course until the finally decision is being made.

Just a part of a song I heard today which reminds me of I will might feel once the decision is made:
Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time

1 Sept 2008

The dates I am hating the most in Sept are:
14 Sept- My brother in law and that PRC ROM
21 Sept- My brother in law and that PRC customary wedding
How I wish the above dates would not come or even past quickly. Basically just cannot stand the fact that she will legally and customarily become my sister in law. I would not dare to wonder what other chaos she will bring with her after she has gotten her newly found status. Haiz... Life for me will get more miserable...

The dates however I am looking forward in Sept are:
28 Sept- My wedding gown first fitting and plus my trial make up
End Sept- Josephine's wedding gown fitting. She is such a beauty to admire... I would think she would look totally like a princess in her wedding gown. *envious* (Wish I would have half her beauty...)

Anyway, Happy Teachers' Day to those teachers out there... Hopefully you all would put more effort in cultivating our future generations to have less ah bengs and ah lians, plus kindly refine their behaviour as well as speech to have less vulgarities.

Wedding Emcees

Met up with my wedding emcees for dinner on Friday and have confirmed them due to the fact that it is worth the price (1 English Emcee, 1 Chinese Emcee and 1 Assistant Coordinator) and that the emcees seems very professional, especially their confidence to motivate my guest as well as handle any bloopers that may happen during my wedding banquet.

So guess, more or less my wedding preps are quite done. Now it is just left with gown fitting, photo-shoot, finding KIV honeymoon place, saving up and lastly, to keep my health as well as complexion intact. LOLX.

Currently, working on my guest list. Good news is that most my close friends and their spouse/bfs are invited and for those whom I can't 'afford' to invite due to space contraints, my sincere apologies.

PS: To Clarice, don't get too upset about things that are about to happen. Take them in stride and be positive to whatever outcome it maybe. OK? :)

The Boar Personality

This is the sign of honest, simplicity and great fortitude. Gallant, sturdy and courageous, a person born in this year will apply himself to an allotted task with all his strength and you can rely on him to see through. Outwardly, he may appear rough-hewn and jovial, but scratch the surface and you will find pure gold.

The Boar is bound to be one of the most natural people you could come across. The original nice guy, winner of the "Charlie Brown" award, he will never hit you below the belt. The Boar person is popular and sough after because, like the Sheep and Rabbit, he seeks universal harmony. No doubt he will fights and differences with others, but he will not carry grudges unless you give him no choice. He doesn't like to add fuel to the fire in a confrontation and will usually let bygones be bygones. The lenient Boar will always take the first step forward and establish excellent rapport with others. If he fails, it certainly won't be for lack of trying at his end. He will be blessed with great endurance. He can work steadily on one thing at a time with incredible patience and will make an excellent and exact teacher.

However, he is equally reputed for his wanton pursuit of pleasure, and even depravity, when he emphasizes his negative traits.

In his life, the loyal and thoughtful Boar will make lasting and beneficial friendships. He enjoys gatherings of all kinds, giving parties and hosting fetes, joining clubs and all kinds of associations. A quiet organizer, who hates arguments and bickering, he is capable of bringing people of all sides together. His credibility and sincerity are his best assets. Yet, he can be a bit too affable and condescending at times, and he also expects others to tolerate his weaknesses.

The Boar will not dazzle you like the Dragon, nor bewitch you like the Monkey or Tiger, nor mesmerize you like a hypnotic Snake. He will simply grow on you until you cannot do without him. The solicitous Boar is synonymous with diligence and shining, old-fashioned chivalry. He won't mind taking up the burdens of others; he won't rebel at staying in the background or even supporting the whole cast with his incredible strength. He is the kind of person we tend to take for granted until he leaves us to fend for ourselves--totally stunned by our dependency on him.

It will be easy to trust the kindly Boar. He rarely has ulterior motives. As matter of fact, he is too innocent and naive, and as a result, he is the favorite victim of swindlers. Still, the guileless Boar is fortunate in the sense that he will always find people to help him even though he does not go around begging for favors. He would prefer to be on the giving end, and when he is in a position to help you, you can be sure he will extend his hand. Fortune will favor him in many respects because of his all-round goodness and faith in his fellowmen. The Boar believes in miracles and miracles will happen to him.

Calm and understanding, the Boar is a genial fellow who can and will tolerate a lot of nonsense from his friends. He is quick tempered too, but since he hates quarreling, he will end up giving his opponents the benefit of the doubt. All told, he is one of the most accommodating guys you could find.

A person born in this year will be a great fund-raiser. He will have a penchant for social work and charity because a spirit of selflessness prevails over such functions and because he seeks to identify with as many people as possible.

When the world is cruel to you and fate has dealt you a stinging blow, run to a Boar. Author of the Good Neighbor policy, he will welcome you and your troubles with open arms. He is good listener and even when you are definitely in the wrong, he will never have the heart to tell you so. He will do what he can without rubbing any salt into your wounds. He'll even get others involved. He'll call upon his Masonic brothers or hold a fund-raising dinner to help pay your debts. The Boar doesn't mind commitments. He's made for them. He has a good strong back and the biggest heart that can be found. These are no mean virtues by any standard and pretty hard to come by wherever you go. With a Boar, it is simply, "ask and you shall receive."

Now, to be perfectly fair, we must see the other side of the coin. While the Boar may be generosity itself, he also adheres to the "what's mine is your and what's yours is mine" maxim.

When your Boar friend comes calling, he will help himself to your food, your wine, your clothes, your new golf set, your latest camera, your car, etc, with relative ease and childlike simplicity. Telling him off could be a problem. He will respond with great disbelief and hurt. He won't understand or your one-way street mentality.

Ms. Boar will be either spotlessly clean or terribly untidy. All Boars tend to come in the these two categories and there are only rare cases of in-between. Nonetheless, she will be very personable and modest. She will devote every ounce of energy she has to the objects of her affection and ask for very little in return. You will be able to identify her by her remarkable purity of expression and trusting ways. Yet, although she loves with total abandonment, she will show a preference for anonymity or even secrecy. She can worship someone at a distance for years or serve him with passionate devotion without his knowing about it. She could play the perfect hostess to her husband's cronies and spoil the children by constantly answering to their beck and call not to mention picking up after them all the time. But she won't mind, and when she does complain, it will be mild. Actually, she loves tending to her family and will look upon them not as burdens but as her pride and joy. With her, it will be a labor of love. Wherever she presides, people will congregate in an atmosphere of happiness and contentment.

Defenseless against deception, the Boar person likes to trust everyone and will believe almost anything they tell him, even if they are strangers or people he knows superficially. Needless to say, the Boar and his money are easily parted. The unsophisticated Boar should avoid handling finances. With him, it could be, "easy come, easy go". He is soft-hearted and too sympathetic to hold the purse strings.

By nature, the Boar is materialist, yet he loves to share whatever he has. The more he gives, the more he seems to have. Unselfish and unassuming, he is surrounded by an ever-widening circle of friends whom he will allow to take advantage of him. He has equal need of them, too, as the sociable Boar must always feel part of the gang and enjoys footing the bills and being looked up to.

On the other hand, he is also thick-skinned and can dismiss insults and unpleasantness with a shrug. he does not like to look too far beyond tomorrow. It may be these traits that will help him recover quickly from the misfortunes that may befall him. The gregarious Boar just does not take calamity all that seriously.

Behind the sweet and reasonable facade of the Boar, there hides a remarkable power of resoluteness. He can take the seat of authority any time he pleases, but the Boar is his own worst enemy. His scruples always get the better of him and serve more as a hindrance to his progress than anything else. On the other hand, when he is pushed to the limit, he can respond savagely and turn into raging foe. He can summon up tremendous energy and perform Herculean feats.

While the Boar may appear gullible, he may be smarter than you dream. Actually, he knows how to care for his interests in an inoffensive manner, and by allowing you to take him for a ride, he may just give giving you enough rope to hang yourself. The Chinese saying " What is yours will always find a way to come back to you" applies to the Boar's policy in full force.

Anyway, being of scrupulous makeup, the Boar will rarely be a trickster or thief. He is all too uncomfortable with ill-gotten gain and will be haunted by severe guild feeling over the slightest transgression.

Once the Boar is driven to litigation--everyone loses. He may be barricaded by an army of lawyers or even held incommunicado by those familiar with his forgiving nature. He doesn't really hate you and personally regrets being the instrument of bitterness, but once his legal advisers have set the wheels into motion he is forced to go along with the suit. Even when he does win, he may be plagued by remorse for the rest of his life. Tangling in lawsuits will get the Boar dragged deep into the mid of the legal pit. His involvements in legal cases are often doomed to be long and complicated.

Being a sensuous creature, the Boar has strong passions. Endowed with extraordinary vigor and stamina, he is admired for putting his heart and soul into work. Then again, his very strength could turn out to be his undoing. Because of the fact that his virility and vitality are above average, the Boar will love to savor the good things in life without restriction. If he is unable to check his enormous appetites and practice self-control, the Boar will be corrupted or debased by people who know how to exploit his frailties.

The honest Boar loves with all his heart. He is very considerate as a rule and does not know how to camouflage his emotions. In a love affair, he or she is most likely to end up as the injured party. He could carry the torch for years to come.

His main fault will be his inability to say "No" firmly to himself, his family and his friends. In some cases, he will oblige others by making concessions that it would be wiser to avoid and end up in a heap of trouble. However, when difficulties result, he will bear the blame and burden uncomplainingly. He will become bankrupt at least once in his life, but he will always manage to make a comeback, brighter and bolder than before. The secret of his success lies in his good faith, generosity and resilience.

The Boar will elect to work hard in life, and he will play just as hard, too, so long as he can use up his bountiful supply of energy. With his basic aptitude and conscientiousness, he will triumph and provide well for those about him. His life is fated to be blessed with all he will need and the money, power and success that comes to him will be unselfishly shared with one and all. With his robust and free-spending ways, the burly Boar will always be found living it up. He is the perfect friend, forever willing to do you another favor, or led you another dollar. Maybe this explains why he is so lucky! At times, it seems he owns the Horn of Plenty.

Although intelligent and well-informed (everyone will somehow tell the Boar his secrets), the Boar person is not deep. He accepts things at face value and would rather conceal the misgivings he has about others in order to keep the peace.

But it is also said that the Boar has a fatalistic streak to his nature, and when he has nothing further to lose, he could turn into the most negative and debauched of creatures, throwing himself into an abyss of self-gratification and eventual destruction.

Most of the Boar's problems stem from his overgenerous character. If he could contain his basic urge to do too much for others and to promise more than he can deliver, he should have few major upsets.

The Boar will have a happy life when he shares it with the quiet and sagacious Rabbit or the gentle Sheep (my husband). He will also get along well with the Tiger. The Rat, Ox, Dragon, Horse, Rooster and Dog will make secondary teammates and have no serious conflicts with the Boar. He may find the company of other Boars too stimulating; but will be able take the things in stride. Most of his problems will arise from the dealing with the Snake and the Monkey (my future sis in law), for he will be no match for their cunning and wit.